“Quarter pole” is a stupid term and I refuse to use it

Here we are, 21 games in and a quarter of the season behind us. Seems like as good a time as any to do a mini-retrospective.

But I won’t do a player-by-player grade, because Animal Drew beat me to it, and did a more complete job than I could do. Plus, I’m the furthest thing from objective, because if Darren Helm went 82 games with zero goals, zero assists and 903 penalty minutes, he’d get an A+. Likewise, Todd Bertuzzi could score 55 goals and not head to the penalty box once, and he’d have an F.

So, instead, I’ve decided that it might be fun to share a little film school exercise with you: Three Word Critiques. Anyone can write a full-length criticism of Unforgiven, but it takes a true artist to sum up a movie – or hockey player, for that matter – in just three words. I’m going to do my best to pretend like it’s 2000 and I’m back in CMN 101. Some things – like sarcasm – are a little tricky to get across in just three words, but something tells me that if you read this site often enough, you’ll know where I’m kidding.

I’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments. I’m sure some of you can come up with some hilarious examples, and I can’t wait to read them. Without further ado…

GOALTENDERS
Chris Osgood :: Longest hangover EVER.
Jimmy Howard :: Jekyll and Hyde.
Daniel Larsson :: Cool mustache, bro.

DEFENSEMEN
Nicklas Lidstrom :: Still the best.
Brian Rafalski :: Worth everrrrryyyyy penny.
Niklas Kronwall :: Big shot injured.
Brad Stuart :: Stuart! Smash! Destroy!
Jonathan Ericsson :: Honeymoon is over.
Brett Lebda :: Daily trade scenario.
Derek Meech :: How’s the view?
Andreas Lilja :: Pain Train derailed.
Doug Janik :: Kept it simple.

FORWARDS
Pavel Datsyuk :: Trust thine eyes.
Henrik Zetterberg :: Mmmm…free Arby’s.
Tomas Holmstrom :: Only scores goals.
Johan Franzen :: Offense sorely missed.
Valtteri Filppula :: Criminally under-appreciated.
Todd Bertuzzi :: Useless turnover machine.
Dan Cleary :: True grit, personified.
Ville Leino :: Not as advertised.
Darren Helm :: Christ, he’s fast.
Jason Williams :: Negates man advantage.
Kris Draper :: Big time wheels.
Kirk Maltby :: Still scoring, cynics!
Brad May :: Punch, miss, fall.
Patrick Eaves :: Found his niche.
Justin Abdelkader :: Next generation’s grinder.
Drew Miller :: Awesome waiver find.

COACHES
Mike Babcock :: Brain thinking Olympics?
Paul MacLean :: Epic facial hair.
Brad McCrimmon :: Special teams suck.

OTHER PERSONNEL
Ken Holland :: PULL THE TRIGGER!
Jim Nill :: Griffins keep winning.
Jim Devellano :: Keep quiet, grandpa.
Steve Yzerman :: Hall of Famer.
Jiri Fischer :: Anniversary must-read.
Ken Daniels :: Cackling more often.
Mickey Redmond :: Holy Mackerel, whooooo!
Larry Murphy :: Are you drunk?


ASSOCIATED ACTS
Chris Chelios :: Show em, Cheli!
Brendan Shanahan :: Joining Yzerman soon.
Marian Hossa :: Hasn’t played yet.
Tomas Kopecky :: Is not missed.
Ty Conklin :: Coulda used him…
Jiri Hudler :: Frozen midget testicles.
Mikael Samuelsson :: Nine goals? Really?
Darren McCarty :: Versus debut tomorrow.
Aaron Downey :: Potato farming again.


OTHER RED WINGS STORYLINES
Johan Ryno :: Get to steppin’.
Jordan Pearce :: Enjoying Toledo, doctor?
Brendan Smith :: Stop getting arrested.
Dick Axelsson :: Don’t flake, too.
Tomas Tatar :: Skipping juniors rules.
Dennis LaRue :: Vehemently anti-Wings.