Ed note: In the style of Rob Discher because yes, I’ve been drinking.
The first salvo of the WIIM/TPL All Star Game Extravaganza has been fired, but don’t let the scoreboard fool you. Sure, you may see “WIIM:1, TPL:0” after the conclusion of tonight’s first ever NHL All Star Game Draft, but looks can be deceiving.
While WIIM sits on their faux high horse and gloats over their one point advantage, TPL headquarters is breaking out the booze – the good shit, no skimping tonight – and preparing to soak in the beautiful strains of our victorious symphony on Sunday night. If you were here, you’d see Disch sipping on a highball of scotch that’s older than Jeff Skinner while watching a leggy blonde with plenty of…”personality”… give him a lapper. Petrella’s in on the action too,
tossing a stack of hundreds at some black haired beauty named Charity who, fittingly enough, bears a striking resemblance to Princess Jasmine stepping away from his pages of spreadsheets to get his lovely wife a drink from the statue that is pissing champagne. Stevie’s off in the corner painting a masterpiece while a perfectly bronzed and barely clothed stud of a man feeds her grapes and poses like the Roman god he’s probably named after would. And me? I’ve got an Opus X perched between my teeth, dressed to the nines in my finest evening wear, gently sipping a fine Stag’s Leap vintage. Somewhere, the strains of Louis Armstrong are being methodically forced into the air, and the night still has plenty in store for everyone.
So why are we so cavalier and relaxed in the face of a deficit? How can we be so cocksure when you, our loyal readers, have to listen to those fellas over at WIIM tout their “insurmountable” lead?
Because it’s all according to plan.
Go ahead and ask the WIIM boys who suggested the idea of awarding points during the draft? Too slow: Michael Petrella. That’s right, it was a TPL man who offered up the chance at some extra cheese on the board. Why? Because we’re damn confident, that’s why. We knew that we’d dominate the draft. We knew that the shining trophy of Molson Canadian and pushups on the stairs of Joe Louis Arena would be ours. But why should our knowledge and savvy limit the fun for everyone else?
So take solace TPL nation. We saw this coming and we are damn well prepared for it. So well prepared, in fact, that we have a drink waiting right here with your name on it. So come on in. Take a load off. Relax with some Dom P and finger foods that you can’t even pronounce.
The party’s just getting started.
Ward photo courtesy of Dave Sanford/Getty Images
Kessel photo courtesy of Jim McIsaac/Getty Images