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Jan. 4 :: Like a Miniature Buddha. Covered in Hair.

The Detroit Red Wings play their third Wings Wings Tuesday this season. This time, it’s the Oilers in Edmonton, 9pm Petrella; 8pm Discher; 6pm Hollis. 7pm where the game is actually being played. The Wings are 1-0-1 when we get discounted chicken at Buffalo Wild Wings, beating the Sharks and losing to the Avs in a shootout.

Our boys are on another mini-skid, losing the last game of 2010 and the first game of 2011. Jimmy Howard’s play has left something to be desired. The defense is being questioned. The injuries are beginning to pile up. 2009, is that you?

This is the third meeting between the Wings and Oilers this season — the most recent coming on November 11th. It was a 6-2 win for the good guys, Franzen and Filppula had one goal each; Cleary and Homer had two goals each.

None of the current Oilers are former Red Wings…

…however, a few of the current Red Wings are former Oilers, though neither will be playing in this game. Dan Cleary played 220 regular season games (and ten post-season games) for Edmonton. Current Griffin Chris Minard played his last five NHL games as an Oiler last season.

Lots of awesome names to choose from on this roster, including Nikolai Khabibulin, Devan Dubnyk, Theo Peckham, Zack Stortini, Jean-Francois Jacques, and Andrew Cogliano. But the clear winner is Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson despite having to choose only half of that last name to appear on his jersey.

:: Detroit played only twenty minutes on Sunday, losing 3-2 to the Flyers. Like a used diaper filled with Indian food.
:: Edmonton lost to Calgary, 2-1, on New Years Day.

By special request, the TPL Glossary is ready to jailsex your eyes.
***ALSO: I haven’t heard if Eaves is back in tonight, as his infected elbow should be good to go. If he’s in, either Tatar or Mursak will be out — but both made the trip to Western Canada***
Mulo — Zetterberg — Homer
Scuttle — Filppula — Thunderchief
Draper — Helm — Tatar / Eaves
Miller — Abdelkader — Mursak

Rafalski — Ericsson
Kronwall — Cirque


Scratches [ABSOLUTELY KILLER JOB by @JeffHancock41 on the nicknames]
Jakub “Why Don’t You Sit This Next One Out, Stop Talking For a While?” Kindl

Mike “I’m In a Glass Case of Emotion” EModano [wrist]
Dan “By the Beard of Zeus” Cleary [ankle]
Pavel “You’re Making Me Look Stupid! Get Out Here, Panda Jerk!” Datsyuk [hand]

Honorable Mentions
Todd “Smells Like Bigfoot’s Dick” Bertuzzi
Todd “Yeah, There Were Horses, and a Man on Fire, and I Killed a Guy with a Trident” Bertuzzi
Todd “I’m Going to Shoot You with a BB Gun When You’re Not Looking. Yep. Back of the Head” Bertuzzi
Todd “Oh Yeah? Well You’re About to be in… Dead Place” Bertuzzi
Jiri “I Love Scotch. Scotchy Scotch Scotch. Here It Goes Down. Down Into My Belly” Hudler
Jiri “It’s Called Sex Panther By Odeon. It’s Illegal in Nine Countries. It’s Made With Real Bits of Panther So You Know It’s Good” Hudler
Jiri “You Are a Smelly Pirate Hooker” Hudler
Jiri “I Know What You’re Asking Yourself and the Answer is Yes. I Have a Nickname For My Penis” Hudler
Jiri “I Wanna Say Something. I’m Going to Put it Out There. If You Like it, You Can Take it. If You Don’t, Send it Right Back. I Wanna Be On You” Hudler
Jiri “That Was One Crazy Party. I Am Hung Ovaaa” Hudler
Jiri “I Would Like to Extend to You an Invitation to the Pants Party” Hudler
Jiri “She Was Brazilian. Or Chinese or Something Weird. I Met Her in the Bathroom of a Kmart and We Made Out for Hours. Then We Parted Ways, Never to See Each Other Again” Hudler
Jiri “I Wanna Be Friends With It” Hudler
Jiri “What Do You Say We Go On a Date? Have Some Chicken. Maybe Some Sex” Hudler
Valtteri “Mmmm. I Look Good. I Mean Really Good. HEY EVERYONE COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK” Filppula
Valtteri “Let’s Go Over the Ground Rules. Rule Number 1: No Touching of the Hair or Face. AND THAT’S IT” Filppula
Nicklas “Don’t Act Like You’re Not Impressed” Lidstrom
Nicklas “I Don’t Know How to Put This, But I’m Kind of a Big Deal” Lidstrom
Niklas “WHAMMY!” Kronwall
Niklas “I Will Smash Your Face Into a Car Windshield and then Take Your Mother Dorothy Mantooth Out For a Nice Seafood Dinner and Never Call Her Again” Kronwall
Aaron “If You Want to Throw Down Fisticuffs, Fine. I’ve Got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary Waitin’ For Ya Right Here” Downey
Kyle “You Are Not a Man. You Are a Big Fat Joke” Wellwood
Kyle “What? You Pooped in the Refrigerator? And You Ate the Whole Wheel of Cheese? How’d You Do That? Heck, I’m Not Even Mad, That’s Amazing” Wellwood
Patrick “Sweet Lincoln’s Mullet” Kane
Brett “I Love Lamp” Lebda
Brett “I Ate Fiberglass Insulation. It Wasn’t Cotton Candy Like the Guy Said. My Tummy Itches” Lebda
Brett “People Like Me Because I Am Polite and I Am Rarely Late. I Like to Eat Ice Cream and I Really Enjoy a Nice Pair of Slacks. Years Later, a Doctor Will Tell Me That I Have an IQ of 48 and am What Some People Call Mentally Retarded” Lebda
St. Louis “You Dirtbags Have Been in Third Place for Five Years” Blues
*If there are any that you think I missed, throw them in the comments — the best one will be shared for all to enjoy on the TPL Facebook Page*

1. There was some chatter that maybe Chris Osgood was the better option to start this game, since he came into the Flyers game and stopped ALL FIVE SHOTS! he faced in relief of Jimmy Howard. Then, the world awoke, remembered that even with all the Hall of Fame arguments, this net still belongs to Tiberius — slump or not. Howard starts. Like a starting goaltender does. Whether he shows up or not is another story…
2. Like Howard, team defense is coming under scrutiny. They’ll need to not allow three goals in quick succession tonight, which shouldn’t be a problem. But it shouldn’t be a problem against the Stars and Flyers either.
3. I like Jan Mursak — he’s quick and seems like a bright hockey player. I really like Tomas Tatar — he’s fearless and has some balls for a two-game call-up. One will have to play his way onto the Red Wings next season, as he’s waiver eligible next season. The other has a few more seasons before the Wings have to make a decision, but seems closer to being the real deal. The future’s bright, folks. Now if only Thomas McCollum would yank his head out of his culo…
4. Valtteri Filppula is doing his part to pick it up with Pavel Datsyuk and Dan Cleary out, scoring in consecutive games. On the other end of that rainbow is Todd Bertuzzi, who has quietly gone 16 without a goal and seems content to slide by on all the goodwill from earlier in the season.
5. At 6pm Monday, it seemed downright likely that two Red Wings prospects would be facing off against one another in the World Junior Championship. Then, Russia scored with a minute left to force overtime with Sweden (featuring 2010 Draft Pick and  – perhaps more importantly – Michael Petrella interviewee Calle Jarnkrok), before winning in the shootout. Later in the evening, the tournament “favorite” United States (and tough guy-turned-complete player Mitch Callahan) were outclassed by always-favorite Canada. It looks like the Wings will be stuck at two WJC Gold Medalists — Brian Lashoff (’10) and Logan Pyett (’08 – hat tip to @codyhotel).

People looking forward to Chris Osgood. Dogs and cats living together. Famines, earthquakes. Horsemen galloping. The end. She is nigh.

Jordan Eberle. No-brainer.


5 thoughts on “Jan. 4 :: Like a Miniature Buddha. Covered in Hair.”

  1. You guys took most of the good ones but this is the best I could come up with:
    Valtteri “I wanna be on you” Filppula
    Chris “Como estan bitches!” Osgood (I’m not sure why for him specifically but I every time I think of him walking into the locker room saying this I laugh)
    Jiri “Maybe go to Sea World, take my pants off” Hudler

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