SAVE YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR VETERANS!
Alternate title (h/t @mserven): “HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO VETS”
Very troubling news just came streaming down the RWFeed… well, not so much troubling as “aw that’s nice” with a sprinkle of “oh shit, they let him near children?”
As part of a state-wide tour, a handful of Red Wings are visiting schools and hospitals, hangin’ out with the kids and veterans and definitely not attacking them from behind.
Justin Adbelkader and Drew Miller are going to (wait for it…) East Lansing and Muskegon. Homer, Nick Lidstrom, and Patty Eaves are going to spend some time in Grand Rapids before meeting up with the aforementioned Spartans. Darren Helm, Tiberius Howard, newbie (I hope he’s hazed) Mike Modano, and THE SHETUZZ are checking out Flint and Saginaw.
But the real story here is that someone from PR thought that Todd Bertuzzi’s gap-toothed face wouldn’t scare the ever-loving bejesus out of children in Flint and veterans in Saginaw.
Here are a list of things that I assume are less frightening to third graders — feel free to add to this list in the comments:
1. Chucky.
2. The boogie man.
3. Spiders.
4. Chelsea Handler.
5. Pedo Bear.
1. Clowns
2. Priests?
The shetuzz actually in a dress…. o wait, nope that’s worse
1. Clowns
2. Priests?
-Freddy Krueger
-Kyle Wellwood during snack time
Pennywise the clown.
Uh, why the hell are they going to Flint? Seriously. If (When?) Modano and/or Bertuzzi gets shot there, we’re still responsible for their 35+ salaries. How fucking stupid.
Actually, 35+ clause only comes into effect for the second year (and beyond) of multi-year deals… so we’d be on the hook for Bertuzzi’s NEXT year…
But yeah, I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down.
Raise you’re hand if you’d be surprised to read the following headline:
Bertuzzi arrested for involvement in plot to copy Mexican border style crime ring in flint”
…I’m just sayin’, it’s no coincidence that he’s up there.
Anyway…following Andre’s 2…
Any situation where you have to sit across from your parents in a quiet room
Third period English
The moment in the middle of the night where you have to get up and take a leak, but you’re pretty sure as soon as your foot hits the ground something under the bed is going to eat it
Parent teacher conferences
Second period History
No Reason Boners
Madonna’s arms
Also…
Meat dresses; and (unrelated)
Your parents walking in through a closed bedroom door
Somebody was an awfully sexual 3rd grader…
We had to grow up quick on the gritty streets of Birmingham
6. The skin on Joan Rivers’ neck.
7. Clowns with chainsaws.
8. Darth Vader.