Retrospectacus III (and a half): From Business to Pleasure

Over the coming weeks, The Production Line will be publishing guest posts from our very favorite readers, commenters, and Tweeps — those that don’t have a blog to call their own, and might appreciate a place to vent, praise, bitch, or jailsex it up. We’re proud to offer up this space to some good friends, great writers, and incredible hockey fans. 

Just to be clear, we don’t censor any of these posts. Anyone we felt comfortable with offering this opportunity to, we felt comfortable posting their words. We don’t necessarily agree with any of their stances or views — we merely provided the vessel through which to make their voices heard. Conversation is — like always — encouraged, but the views expressed are those of the author, and not of The Production Line. 

In a bit of “to be continued” kind of fashion, we offer JJ’s second half of his guest post. 

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There’s a lot of talk out there right now about how the NHL is a business and business is good. All the numbers are on a positive swing and the future is looking so bright, Gary Bettman has to stand in the shade (fortunately, he’s small enough to fit into anybody’s shadow).

As a fan of business, as I am, I give this news a heart whoop-de-fucking-doo. I’ll get out the streamers and noisemakers and Bartles & James later, but first let me tell you why I hate that news.

I’m a hockey fan.

Can anybody please explain to me why I would want hockey to be twice as popular as it is right now? Would that make the Red Wings a better team? Would my viewing experience significantly improve? Would it make the on-ice product any better?

No.

Hockey, as a business, is not an issue of supply and demand, it’s an issue of price and demand. I spend $160 per year for a subscription to NHL Center Ice, which gives me every single hockey game over the course of a season (and quite a few baseball games, since those channels share space with MLB Extra Innings). Well, the supply of hockey never goes down, but the price still goes up when the demand does. In America, the holy grail of sports is the NFL, where you’re looking at $250 if you want to see every game. I like hockey, but I like having 90 more dollars at the end of the year, too.

Second, new fans = bandwagon fans. Listen, there’s always a lot of talk about bandwagoners and how they’re annoying. This is because bandwagoners are fucking annoying. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve brought my brother-in-law into the fold of Red Wings fandom and I got a lot of enjoyment out of that. This is because I love my brother-in-law. But, chances are I probably hate yours and would rather bean him with a beer bottle than explain icing to him. The Wings getting a shitload more fans wouldn’t mean I’d have a shitload more friends with whom to share the enjoyment, it means I’d have a shitload more embarrassing dickweeds hanging around. If you’re like me and believe that 80% of the population is dumb, then it stands to reason that 80% of hockey fans are also dumb and that only 2 out of 10 new fans won’t be blathering idiots. I’m glad I have a lot of sites where I don’t have to read somebody saying things like “LOL IMHO trade Franzen and Zetterberg for Malkin” just because there are people out there who believe their idea must be extra-special and clever because nobody else brought it up (hint: nobody else brought it up because it’s a stupid idea and they don’t want to look stupid).

If you think coverage of the game will drastically improve the more popular it becomes, you are simply wrong about that. How many football or baseball announcers can you even stand?

But hey, maybe the game will get better. If enough people see the horrible supplemental discipline policies or reffing standards, maybe there will be enough pressure on the league to change. Yes, that’s very possible. Another solution is to replace the people responsible for the terrible supplementary discipline policies and the stupid reffing standards with people who are competent at their jobs. Have you ever had a restaurant that you loved to go to because it was kind of your little secret? You loved their spicy jambalaya and were on a first-name basis with the wait staff there to the point where you didn’t even need a menu when you came in? Well, imagine what happens when that place gets popular in town. Suddenly, they have to bring in new and inexperienced servers who don’t know your name or how many ice cubes you like in your drink. Suddenly, the spicy jambalaya is milder than Danny Tanner on tranquilizers because all the new bland assholes who showed up that shouldn’t be ordering spicy food in the first place complained that the dish was too hot for their delicate mouths. Suddenly, the nice, quiet atmosphere you shared with your friends is a bustling mess where you have to scream to be heard and wait 40 minutes for a table to open up (you can flat out forget about your favorite table, you’ll take what they give you, damnit). Yeah, you’re kinda happy that the guy who owns the restaurant is now financially better off, but you wish you could go back to the way it was.

Hockey is my favorite little secret and I’d rather deal with Sportscenter anchors using the tired “haw….key?” line where they fake ignorance than deal with the real ignorance of thousands more people calling for them to make my jambalaya more bland so they can stomach it.

4 thoughts on “Retrospectacus III (and a half): From Business to Pleasure”

  1. To tell the truth, if you're reading this, I probably would be happy to explain icing to your brother-in-law.

    It's HIS brother-in-law (on the other side of the family) that I would bean with a beer bottle.

    Man, this came off a little angrier than I wanted it to…

  2. JJ,

    I'll admit to being torn, like you. I want to see hockey succeed, because I love it and I love that it gets a higher profile. I feel like this because I grew up in Canada, where hockey is the alpha and omega of sports up there. I'm used to it being covered extensively, and it's been an adjustment to find good, knowledgeable hockey insight down here from the MSM. Having said that, I also love that hockey is ours – the fans that have been following it for years. We can understand icing and offsides, but we can also discuss the subtle nuances like shift length and defensive strategy the way most people down here can analyze college football.

    Much like a new job, I wish there was some sort of "orientation" we could offer to new hockey fans: a 2-3 day course where the rules are explained, teams identified, and players shown. Such a world would be a wonderful place.

    And while it definitely had an "angry" tone, it was not "I'm going to find you and shoot you" kind of angry – it was more "I'm a little perturbed and might shake a fist at you" angry.

  3. I'm trying to decide what to make of this post…

    I mean, I love me some Red Wings, and have from day one.
    But I do not like spicy foods too much.

    So am I a bad fan now?

    I'm confused. Someone hold me.

  4. You're not a bad fan because you're not the type of guy who comes into my favorite restaurant and orders spicy jambalaya and then complains about it being too hot for your tastes (or are you?). You just order something else off the menu.

    Also, I assume you tip your waitress well.

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