Disch’s Favorite Defenseman Re-Signed
Straight from the “no fucking way” file, the Red Wings have re-signed Doug Janik to a two-year deal. The best part? The second year is one-way, meaning no matter where he plays — Detroit or (much more likely) Grand Rapids — he’ll earn the same paycheck.
I have to believe that the second year (and it’s one-way-ness) was the reason Janik signed back on. As much as he may love playing in Grand Rapids, I’m sure he’d rather have a shot at the NHL — or at the very least, NHL dollars.
Ken Holland says that Janik will compete for a spot on the Wings during training camp — perhaps he’s the “cheap” depth defenseman we’ve been hearing about, replacing Derek Meech in the Leino Lounge night in and night out, but somehow I doubt it.
So, in celebration, the following is a list of things that are more likely than Doug Janik making the top six out of camp:
:: H2H2 is abandoned in favor of Pollacks to Pittsburgh.
:: Chris Pronger plays out his ridiculously long 35+ contract.
:: Your grandchildren will have heard of a team called “the Atlanta Thrashers.”
:: The Chicago Blackhawks win the Cup again next year.
:: The Hurricanes start calling themselves The Whalers just to be cute.
:: The Canadiens celebrate their 100th anniversary for the third straight year.
:: Brian Burke stays quiet on Draft Day — instead of offering me the Maple Leafs’ top pick in 2013 for my half-eaten sandwich.
:: The Lions win the Super Bowl. Or just two games.
:: Dion Phaneuf makes some sort of “sloppy thirds” comment — I dunno, something…
:: San Jose makes it out of the third round.
:: The Kings once again make a deal for the biggest name player in the game, and once again fail to do anything with him.
:: The Oilers are big-time free agency winners, with many, many big name, big money free agents signing on July 1st at 12:01pm.
:: The Predators organization begs fans to quit with the goddamn whistles because it’s not indicative of the rich, classy history of hockey in the south.
:: BOTH New York teams make the post-season, settling the “Potvin sucks” debate once and for all.
:: Marian Hossa sticks it out with his wife/girlfriend because “I know a good thing when I have it in front of me.”
:: John Vanbiesbrouck comes out of retirement to play goal — once again for the Panthers — to wash the unpleasant aftertaste of Roberto Luongo out of Miami fans’ mouths.
:: Speaking of whom, Roberto Luongo does anything deserving of being called the best goaltender on the planet.
:: Avalanche fans learn the insanely difficult-to-embrace concept of “icing.”
:: Minnesota abandons the trap and explodes for THREE goals in one game in February.
:: Phoenix ownership squabbles are settled and the arena’s lease is called “more than fair” by all parties.
If you’ve got any to add, feel free to do so in the comments. Perhaps we’ve got another Shetuzzi post in the works…
– Honduras wins the World Cup
– Someone watches a movie with Peter Sellers and finds it "Not funny".
– Gary Bettman decides that money doesn't matter.
I'll think of more, but I just woke up and I am a bit hungover
:: Tomas Kopecky, with those hands, successfully removes a woman's bra without the use of tools
::Dany Heatley gets a job as a chauffer for European Royalty; the streets of Paris have never been more safe
Awesome.
–Me making the Wings roster out of training camp.
–Lady Gaga replacing Karen Newman to sing the National Anthem at Red Wings home games.
–the Philippines winning the 2014 gold medal men's Olympic ice hockey…beating Canada.
–Nebraska joins the Big Ten…wait, what?
:: New Zealand wins the 2010 FIFA World Cup by utilizing a never-before-seen offensive strategy known only as "The Waddling V" (because Kiwis can't fly).
:: Justin Beiber's testicles descend.
:: Sarah Jessica Parker wins the Kentucky Derby, her jockey is elated.
– A Blackhawks fan names a player from the team 5 years ago.
– Sean Avery gives a class on etiquette and manners.
– My blog is nominated for a Pulitzer.
– The Blue Jays draw more than 15K people to a game not involving the Yankees or Red Sox.
– Kyle Wellwood says "no thanks, I'm full".
– NBC never mentions Sidney Crosby on a broadcast where the Penguins are not playing.
Man…so much here already…feels like the kind of thing we should be doing on a Friday. A few additions,thought none as good as Graham or JJ's…
1. Photos leak from an internal source at NBC showing that, just out of view of the camera, expertly hidden by the boards…because he does this all the time, Thid was actually on his knees blowing D-Canoe during every non-Penguins broadcast.
2. Bertuzzi comes out with a formal statement saying that, for real this time, he will never eat another baby. Unless he's really hungry. Or frustrated. …but probably, this is the last time.
3. The former mayor's book, Kwame Sutra, rises to the top of the NYT best seller list, with all proceeds from book sales going to the phone companies as a thank you for for their unrivaled ability to track ALL former communications.
1. BP cleans up the oil spill
2. Hank gives Emma to me for a week, no strings attached.
3. Bigfoot reveals himself and is given a show on the Home & Garden channel.
4. Petrella posts something on Twitter.
– Liam Neeson is believable as an American character (really – he's Hannibal? I'd rather see George Peppard's corpse be somehow mainpulated like a puppet – it could be called "Weekend with the A-Team")
– Chris Pronger admits that he stole the "Magic Bullet" that killed JFK
– Evgeni Malkin is admitted to Mensa because he just looks smart
– I'm able to work the self-checkout line at the grocery store without the "please wait, attendant coming to assist" bell going off…thus negating any time saved by going with the self-checkout route.
– The US gets a Venezuela-like cap on gas prices that holds them below a dollar, thus validating my decision a year ago to buy a half-ton Chevy that only gets 16 MPH.
– CNN finally gets smart and starts hiring hot female anchors in an effort to stop getting outflanked by FOX News in the male viewship category.
-TPL is contacted by a home fitness video company with a monster sponsorship package that allows Petrella and I to retire but mandates that we actually do Tae Bo 2 hours/day…a deal we fail to maintain after three months of thowing up in the living room trash can.
–Jonathan Toews decides to one-up Patrick Kane's off-season antics by eating assorted hobo entrails out of the Cup.
–Scott Hartnell reveals the secret to his game in that oh-so-noticeable signature characteristic of his appearance: his manicured fingernails.
–Hockeytown remembers that some guy named Jason Williams played there. Twice.
–Evgeni Malkin discovers that the nose makes for easier breathing.
–Fans at the United Center decide that now that they've seen their team win the Cup during their lifetime, they can cease with the "Detroit sucks" chant. This occurs only after the Hawks organization reneges on its promise to bestow special title of "G.M. emeritus" on Ed Hardy.
– Sidney Crosby retires, noting that he has accomplished everything he needs to in the NHL.
– Pierre McGuire says something that is thought-provoking for positive reasons.
– I start an exercise program that lasts more than 25 minutes.
– JJ and I form a comedy team that is wildly successful and tours the country, causing both of us to quit our day jobs.
– My blog makes it on to TPL's blog roll (yes, that was a completely, 100% shameless plug – deal with it)
– Bertuzzi gets jealous of this whole Carrie Underwood business and pulls in his own country music superstar "girlfriend"…Kenny Chesney.
– The dry cleaners returns a shirt that actually has MORE buttons on it, instead of the traditional 3-button discount I get every time I drop something off there.
– Tick Tock Kenny takes me up on my offer to help renegotiate my current work salary.
– Karen Newman drops the restraining order filed 5 years ago against certain members of the TPL staff that will go unnamed…for legal reasons.
– Blogger finally releases the half-dozen drafts it ate before we could post them on TPL.
– Jonathan Ericsson wins the Hart, Norris, Con Smythe, Art Ross & Lady Byng trophies…in one season.
– Ozzie Guillen takes a vow of silence
– Charles Manson admits he fathered Todd Bertuzzi. Oh wait..that's really entirely possible…
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– Kwame Kilpatrick's cell phone isn't text enabled.