Straight from the “no fucking way” file, the Red Wings have re-signed Doug Janik to a two-year deal. The best part? The second year is one-way, meaning no matter where he plays — Detroit or (much more likely) Grand Rapids — he’ll earn the same paycheck.
I have to believe that the second year (and it’s one-way-ness) was the reason Janik signed back on. As much as he may love playing in Grand Rapids, I’m sure he’d rather have a shot at the NHL — or at the very least, NHL dollars.
Ken Holland says that Janik will compete for a spot on the Wings during training camp — perhaps he’s the “cheap” depth defenseman we’ve been hearing about, replacing Derek Meech in the Leino Lounge night in and night out, but somehow I doubt it.
So, in celebration, the following is a list of things that are more likely than Doug Janik making the top six out of camp:
:: H2H2 is abandoned in favor of Pollacks to Pittsburgh.
:: Chris Pronger plays out his ridiculously long 35+ contract.
:: Your grandchildren will have heard of a team called “the Atlanta Thrashers.”
:: The Chicago Blackhawks win the Cup again next year.
:: The Hurricanes start calling themselves The Whalers just to be cute.
:: The Canadiens celebrate their 100th anniversary for the third straight year.
:: Brian Burke stays quiet on Draft Day — instead of offering me the Maple Leafs’ top pick in 2013 for my half-eaten sandwich.
:: The Lions win the Super Bowl. Or just two games.
:: Dion Phaneuf makes some sort of “sloppy thirds” comment — I dunno, something…
:: San Jose makes it out of the third round.
:: The Kings once again make a deal for the biggest name player in the game, and once again fail to do anything with him.
:: The Oilers are big-time free agency winners, with many, many big name, big money free agents signing on July 1st at 12:01pm.
:: The Predators organization begs fans to quit with the goddamn whistles because it’s not indicative of the rich, classy history of hockey in the south.
:: BOTH New York teams make the post-season, settling the “Potvin sucks” debate once and for all.
:: Marian Hossa sticks it out with his wife/girlfriend because “I know a good thing when I have it in front of me.”
:: John Vanbiesbrouck comes out of retirement to play goal — once again for the Panthers — to wash the unpleasant aftertaste of Roberto Luongo out of Miami fans’ mouths.
:: Speaking of whom, Roberto Luongo does anything deserving of being called the best goaltender on the planet.
:: Avalanche fans learn the insanely difficult-to-embrace concept of “icing.”
:: Minnesota abandons the trap and explodes for THREE goals in one game in February.
:: Phoenix ownership squabbles are settled and the arena’s lease is called “more than fair” by all parties.
If you’ve got any to add, feel free to do so in the comments. Perhaps we’ve got another Shetuzzi post in the works…