Skip to content


Is it…yeah…I think…YUP. I can see the playoffs in there.

The Red Wings and Blue Jackets faceoff of for the fourth time this season. They’ll play three times over the next five games. So, ya know, get used to them. This one’s puck drop is at 7:30 in the Joe, April Fools Day.

1. The Red Wings are riding their best wave of the season: six straight wins. Two points over the next two games and they’ll surpass the Predators and sit pretty at fifth in the conference, preparing to play the Phoenix Coyotes, who will be making their first post-season appearance since 2002. What you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.
2. With the Flames winning on Wednesday, the magic number is 98 to clinch a spot. Five points separate a very tumultuous season with a 19th consecutive post-season appearance. Suck it, Devils. 
3. James IV is about to break the record for consecutive starts for a rookie Red Wings goaltender. This one’s for Saler: “They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they SHOULD.”  
5 :: Nashville :: 94 points (4 games left)
6 :: Detroit :: 93 points (6 games left)
7 :: Los Angeles :: 90 points (6 games left)
8 :: Colorado :: 89 points (6 games left)
9 :: Calgary :: 87 points (5 games left) 
The last time the two Central Division foes met was December 28th. It was a 1-0 overtime loss. Most importantly, it gave us our first opportunity to throw some fat babies onto the site, which — obviously — paved the way for half-naked midgets. 
Get used to seeing this over and over again in the next two weeks:
 :: Jason Williams played in Columbus. Andy Delmore, who was in the Wings organization until he was traded on Deadline Day, was also a Blue Jacket for a time.
 :: There are no former Red Wings in Columbus.
 :: Their BNN last time around, Raffi Torres, was traded to Buffalo. Meaning that a new nominee must emerge. Sami “His Name Is Robert” Pahlsson.
–Detroit defeated Edmonton, way more dramatically than they should have, 5-4, on Tuesday.
–Columbus defeated Tampa Bay, 3-2, also on Tuesday.
–Detroit Red Wings :: 40-23-13 (3rd in Central, 6th in West) :: 23-10-5 at home.
–Columbus Blue Jackets :: 32-32-13 (5th in Central, 14th in West) :: 12-21-5 on the road.
Franzen — Datsyuk — Holmstrom
Bertuzzi — Zetterberg — Filppula
Miller — Draper — Williams
Eaves — Helm — Meech
Lidstrom — Rafalski
Kronwall — Stuart
Ericsson — Lilja
Howard (starting)
It’s been a longtime coming, and I’ve even gotten requests for it, so it’s about time for some Jurassic Park.
Brett “More Like a Six Foot Turkey” Lebda
Kirk “I’m Fairly Alarmed Here” Maltby
Dan “I’ll Need a Drop of Blood. YOUR Blood” Cleary
Honorable Mentions
Derek “Dodgson. DODGSON. We’ve got Dodsgon Here!” Meech
Jonathan “That Is One Big Pile Of Shit” Ericsson
Niklas “That Doesn’t Look Very Scary” Kronwall
Nicklas “You Didn’t Even Know Was There” Lidstrom
Tomas “You’ll Never Get Him Outta Montana” Holmstrom
Jason “He Suffers From a Deplorable Excess of Personality” Williams
Valtteri “I Bring The Scientists. You Bring the Rockstar” Filppula
Darren “Cheetah Speed When They Get Out In the Open” Helm
James “We’re Going to Make a Fortune…” Howard
Chris “It’s Full of Holes!” Osgood
Henrik “Living Biological Attraction So Amazing, It’ll Captivate the Entire Planet” Zetterberg
Johan “Spared No Expense” Franzen
Patrick “Like a Kid That’s Found His Dad’s Gun” Eaves
Brad “Doesn’t Want to be Fed, He Wants to Hunt” Stuart
Andreas “It Could Have Been Worse. A LOT Worse” Lilja
Brian “Ah Ah Ah, You Didn’t Say the Magic Word” Rafalski
Kris “He Can’t See Us If We Don’t Move” Draper
Drew “You’re Not So Bad, I Thought You Were Your Big Brother” Miller
Tomas “Unfertilized Ostrich Egg” Kopecky
Marian “HE LEFT US! HE LEFT US!” Hossa
Jiri “Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex” Hudler
Chris “It’s…It’s a Dinosaur” Chelios
Ansar “He’s Like Me…He’s a Digger” Khan
Todd’s Corner
Todd “You ARE Alive When He Starts to Eat You” Bertuzzi
Todd “I Don’t Care For Lawyers” Bertuzzi
Todd “You Don’t See the Inherent Danger In What You’re Doing?” Bertuzzi
Todd “Causing Blindness, and Eventually Paralysis” Bertuzzi
1. Howard isn’t showing signs of slowing down, but you’d think he’d get a break sooner or later, particularly with the playoff picture no longer in imminent danger. He was rather shaky against Edmonton, so I’d expect him to bounce back and play a strong game. Then, this weekend, they’ll split. Perhaps? Tonight’s game features last year’s Calder winner against this year’s deserving party…
2. For the second game in a row, the Wings are pit against a team that have very little to play for. Not only are the Jackets officially eliminated from contention, they won’t even get a top five pick. So… worst situation imaginable. Escape sans injury, please. 
3. It’ll be hard to top a 12-2-1 March, but the stretch run in April is going to be exciting. Columbus, Nashville, Philadelphia, Columbus, Columbus, and Chicago to wrap it up. There’s lots of talk about the Wings possibly catching the Hawks, but they’re 8 up with six games to go (each). It’d be quite a feat (coupled with quite a collapse) for that to become reality. 
4. And now I’m…. by myself, talking to myself. That’s – THAT’S – chaos.
WHAT WE LEARNED vs. the Oilers
You’ve bred raptors?

27 thoughts on “Apr 1 :: HOLD ON TO YO’ BUTTS”

  1. Jeebus this post made my morning. The Osgood one made me crack up…along with the sequel picture.

  2. Mauvais gardien de but

    Is it weird that I've never seen Jurassic Park? None of this makes any sense to me. I tried to watch it once but I fell asleep so now people make fun of me for having not seen it. I feel like it's too late for me to watch it now though.

  3. –Marian "HE LEFT US! HE LEFT US!" Hossa–

    That is too perfect. Movie quotes are like a second language to me, so I'm a little dissapointed in myself that I didn't think to do something like this.

  4. Casey, glad I could add a little spice to your morning. I was watching last night (yes, yes I DO do research for these things), and when the DNA sequence got started and Mr. DNA goes ITS FULL OF HOLES, it just clicked. It was the easiest one of the night. HA!

    Mauvais, that is totally and completely unacceptable. I'm enacting some sort of tyrannical rule under which you are not obligated to watch Jurassic Park. As in immediately. It holds up – yeah, the graphics are a tiny bit outdated, but it's almost 20 years old already. You've really gotta give it a shot. Especially now that you know half the lines. HA!

    Adrienne, my pleasure. It's one of those movies I could watch over and over again and never tire of, so any time I get to talk JP is fine with me.

    Drew, I have a feeling you and I would get along just fine. About 15 times a day I'll say something that no one understands, and it's usually a movie or television quote. How do you feel about Simpsons quotes? Because I'm pretty sure I could make it an entire 24 hours speaking ONLY in lines from that show and never really miss a beat with conversation.

  5. I LOVE Jurassic Park – but then again I always had ambitions of genetically engineering a Triceratops as a pet and planting a pleisiosaur in Loch Ness to knock the Scottish tourists off-kilter. 🙂

  6. Baroque, double posts are allowed because it's you. Anyone else gets banned (not really).

    Dena, it seems fitting for the oft-vanilla Willi, does it not?

    Sara, gracias. Miller's backup line was DREW "Looks Like You're Out Of a Job" MILLER, but I thought it'd be confusing because it's not MILLER that's out of a job… it's the impending free agents he's stolen a roster spot from.

  7. Wow best TPL post ever. I say that everytime though. All of the ones for Tuzzi were awesome. Great way to start my day.

  8. Hey! We finally found a pop-culture reference with which Ms. B is familiar! (I keed).

    I'm often surprised at just how often I quote things without even thinking about it. Lately it's been a lot of Futurama.

    …and now I just made myself think of the episode 'Jurassic Bark' about Fry's dog. I loved that one.

  9. Maria, our pleasure. I think that even after Todd's gone (COMMMMEEEE OONNNN, JULY!), I'll dedicate nicknames to him. It's too easy not to.

    JJ, that is the single saddest animated thing I've ever seen. And I've seen Up. But I LOVE Futurama. In fact, I plan on a Futurama-themed post to welcome them back to television. I might be able to do a Zoidberg-only post. James "So Everything Returned to Normal Why Not" Howard?

  10. It's too bad we don't have Kyle "Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!" Wellwood.


  11. HA! My second favorite Zoidberg line is from MOMENTS before that "HAS MY SANDWICH ALSO INCREASED IN VALUE? OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!"

  12. @Petrella … I think I just found my new best friend!

    "Drew, I have a feeling you and I would get along just fine. About 15 times a day I'll say something that no one understands, and it's usually a movie or television quote. How do you feel about Simpsons quotes? Because I'm pretty sure I could make it an entire 24 hours speaking ONLY in lines from that show and never really miss a beat with conversation."

  13. Manny, PROVE IT….using examples from this room!

    (please tell me you got that… it's step one in this best friendship)

  14. @manny … i've got the same itis, but replace "simpsons" with MST3K.

    @petrella … fine, fine post. you've fast become my fave wings blog.

  15. Pope, thank you for saying that – it means a lot. Seriously.

    And, to the surprise of absolutely no one, I loved Mystery Science Theatre.

    "…and if your hands were made of metal, that would mean something."

  16. Damn it's been a busy day and I am late to the game but can I just say "Honey Bunches of DEATH!"

  17. MST3K was also wonderful.

    But is anyone else familiar with Red Dwarf? Now that was one oddball show. 🙂

  18. @Baroque – Red Dwarf! Are you kidding? My cats sing "I'm gonna eat you little fishy", I still laugh at Mister Lister on a daily basis, and I always say "smoke me a kipper" anytime the Wings face the Kipper! Got them all on DVD and the book.

  19. Arnold J. Rimmer was such a twat. 🙂

    My TV and movie knowledge is minimal, but hit-or-miss hits on some pretty odd things.

    (Also loved Blackadder but hated Mr. Bean.)

  20. Lovely! The band I sing in actually discussed making three songs called Jurassic Park 1,2 and 3 (Metallica Unforgiven style) the other day

Comments are closed.