Imagine yourself a little less than six months in the future. August 7, 2010, to be exact. You’re standing on a pristine waterfall, a more perfect location can’t possibly exist. Standing next to you is an impossibly beautiful woman. Looking at her convinces you that the only thing you’ve been placed on this Earth for was to love her until you take your last breath. You’re surrounded by the most important people in your life — and hers. A life together, with this young lady, is more than you’ve ever deserved. There is absolutely nothing that can ruin this moment.
Oh wait, yes there is.
Just as the officiant is getting to the “we’re gathered here today” jazz, your pocket nearly catches fire. Your device of choice, a BlackBerry, is literally burning a hole in your jacket. Everyone you’ve ever met (that isn’t in attendance, of course) — and some fine folks you haven’t had the pleasure yet — are simultaneously e-mailing, texting, calling, and tweeting you. It distracts from this better-than-perfect scene.
A peek can’t hurt, right? After all, it has to be important. Everyone knows this is your wedding day. Perhaps someone got lost on the way…or your roommate from college, who moved halfway across the planet, has landed in Pennsylvania and can’t wait to meet your bride…or there’s a medical emergency with a family member that couldn’t make it. “Do you, Michael, take this woman….”
“OH YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!”
Not at all an appropriate response to a question you’ve been waiting to be asked for five years. The only words you’ve thought of since your first date on New Years Day 2006 were “I do.” They were not, in fact, “oh you gotta be fucking kidding me.”
Any of the above scenarios (except for, perhaps, the family emergency) would have been better than what your pocket told you. A phone call from Disch, a text message from Hollis, a BlackBerry message from Casey, an e-mail from Natalie, a Gmail chat message from Ellen, a Swedegian comment from Andy, something jailsexy from JJ, an official press release from Christy, a comment from Mauvais, a super quick blog post from Drew, analysis from Saler, a tweet from Kris, comments from TPL regulars Osrt, Baroque, Krononymous, btok, beanie, and WingedUP, a Skype request from Kiernicki, a hilarious one-word comment from Herm, a DM from Maria, an e-mail of allegiance from Tyler, a tweet from Gander, an e-mail from Jen MacRostie and her brilliant hubby, a Simpsons-fueled tweet from Marlon, identical simultaneous comments from Nurse Nitz and Sara, an e-mail from Kyle, tweets from Kalyn, Vicky, Will, Sara, Christine, Rob, Jeff, Jessie, Adrienne, Captain Norris, Serven and a trio of awesome Jenns.
Forty-three messages. All at the same time. They say it differently, but it could mean only one thing: the Detroit Red Wings have signed Todd Bertuzzi to a contract extension. Two years, no less.
For a man with such awful timing — be it picking the moment to be penalized for something completely unnecessary in the offensive zone, falling down while crossing the blueline, or delivering a no-look spin pass — Tuzz sure knows the right moments to kick you in the nuts. The most important day of your life, inches from the woman of your dreams, surrounded by those who love you most. He knows everyone’s eyes will be on the two of you, and you’ve never been very good at masking your hate.
Will you even be able to enjoy the rest of your day? Will the slip-and-slide at the reception still be fun? Will the photobooth capture only looks of dispair? Can you even enjoy the mini-kegs of birch beer and Faygo you’ve had shipped into the mountains? Something tells me you won’t. Not with a lumbering oaf infiltrating your mind and figuratively climbing onto your back – a latter of which severely cuts down on your ability to boogie to the Michael Jackson medley you’ve carefully mixed. Oh, Todd… he’s made it so that you can no longer enjoy P.Y.T. And that’s not okay. That’s not okay at all.
But mark my words: that’s how it’s going to go down. You can no longer convince yourself that Mantuzzi hasn’t found his way to your little corner of the internet, and read every single word you’ve said about him — be it bad or very bad. He’s carefully coordinated the announcement of this extension. In fact, chances are good that he put pen to paper way back in June or July. But why waste a perfectly good opportunity to absolutely burn you — on the one day you vowed that nothing could ruin?
A message comes to your inbox, attributed only to TB44. Six words long, but with as much weight as any that were spoken today — including “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” various toasts given by fathers and grandfathers, and family members warmly welcoming your gorgeous bride to the family in their native Italian. Six words that will live with you forever.
“Consider this my wedding present, asshole.”
Pure and utter brilliance. I have no words.
I wish I could tell you that you are just being paranoid. But you're not. You are right to be worried. Because it has happened before. Last year, it happened to me.
OK, so it wasn't my wedding day, it was my wedding anniversary. But still, it happened. And I tried not to let it totally ruin the day, but it did ruin it some.
So if Voldemort is a little bit late, 11 days, you will know – that's me again.
Nuke him from orbit in the summer. It's the only way to be sure.
Natalie's comment seconded.
My only regret is that I won't be able to celebrate your lovely day in person, as I will be preoccupied signing my new deal.
Still, it will be a wonderful and beautiful day. For both of us.
Between this and the Helm Chronicles, you guys are outdoing yourselves. Maybe there should be a two week break more often.
And now I'm going to have to remember to leave a comment on 8/7, even if there is no new contract.
Best thing I've read on the internet ever.
Sounds like a screenplay and a movie… based on real events, of course.
Oh man, I hope that doesn't actually happen. But I love this post.
Nah, Bert's timing is even better than that. He'll wait until "that" part of the honeymoon. 😉
Bert needs to make this come true, just to make this awesome post real
This year was Herm to Hockeytown. Next is "Tying The Knot With Todd". Collections start now. He will be the ring bearer. And as he goes to pass you the ring, it will be a no look spin-o-rama that actually goes to nobody. After ten minutes of searching for the ring the ceremony can continue. He will be wearing his trademark puffy vinyl old navy vest over a turtleneck, but in white. The contract extension signing will take place at the reception followed by cake and punch. Unfortunately when someone mentions punch, that's what Todd does and gets a game misconduct and has to sit at the kid's table for ten minutes.
So dig deep folks and we can make a less fortunate Bertuzzi's dreams come true. He's going to the chapel and it's going to be sca-a-a-ry.
can i get a copy of that michael jackson mix?, seriously.
Incredible post. We need to find Bertuzzi a Cable Guy best friend for the month of August to proactively ruin his life.
You sir have earned yourself She-tuzzi popping out of the cake at your bachelor party.
Petrella, this is freaking hilarious.
Yes, Petrella, this is freaking hilarious.
Natalie, having no words is — coming from you — a better compliment than any words could say. (Same to you, Gander)
Jenn, I'll keep you and your hubby in my thoughts in the days after my wedding. Perhaps on the 7th he signs a one-year deal, and on the 18th, another extension. Just to screw us both.
Baroque, I'm all for it. Let's make that happen.
Todd, your invitation is in the mail. If it keeps you from the contract.
WingedUP, thanks very much! We're happy to provide much needed LOLz in these times of relatively quiet Red Wings news days.
Vicky, I'm humbled. Seriously. The internet has some great shit. Honored to toss my hat into the same ring as LOLcats and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Jenny, I'm with you. I hope it doesn't happen (the Todd thing… I want the wedding thing).
JJ, Todd is unfamiliar with "that" part of the Honeymoon. I have to imagine Tag is the mailman's.
Andy, there has to be another way. HAHA
Stabbity, I expect H2H to be epic to the point of "I'll Just About Confirm My Presence at Tying the Knot with Todd." And I'm CERTAIN that's putting myself in direct physical danger.
Jeff, no doubt. Lots of stuff from Off the Wall and Thriller. Coming your way.
Serven, if you're volunteering, I'll try to get you in touch with the right people (read: Lucifer, Hussein, Koresh).
Dena, a better idea has never existed. You DO mean he/she was baked in the cake, right?
Sara and Nitz, WELL DONE. You two literally make me chuckle.
and now…… I'd like to share with you the e-mail I received from my dad following this post:
Michael, all the Petrella families have been getting a call from someone named TODD wanting to know if there is a Michael that lives with them and if there was to let him know that he is going to get punched in the head, from behind of course.
Seriously, one of the best articles I have had to pleasure to read, keep up the great work, we are all very proud of you and the beautiful woman that has agreed to marry you, love Dad
The reason this was so amazing is that I couldn't tell if it was real or not. I knew that the wedding date was in the future and hadn't happened yet. I knew that the dates you mentioned were all in the future. I knew that this could not have already happened.
It was so realistic and nightmarish that I was terrified that it was true and it was happening right now. My heart is racing like I just woke up from a bad dream.
I think it's time to go home now!
WOW. Hilarious and brilliant, I kinda wish that this wouldn't happen specially to you but I'm not gonna like there is like a 353348% chance that it will. Too funny my friend, too funny.
Amazing. Perfect piece, seems like a Stephen King book, starts off so beautifully then the horror begins.
And I'm not sensitive or something like that, but the first paragraph, whoa. Awesome stuff.
I'm a big fan of irony. Make it happen 'tuzzi.