H2H Update
First of all, a million thanks to good friend of the family (and good friend of TPL), Ryan Michaels. He’s once again the hero: first, helping make that Nick Lidstrom signature thing happen for me, and now he’s hooked the H2H effort up with a great deal and a block of tickets. We’re lucky he’s on the team.
As you may have seen at A2Y, he’s also offered to get some lucky fans from the Hockeytown Cafe pre-
Here’s to you, Ryan Michaels, Hockeytown Hero.
Lots more information to come, on the H2H website, H2H Twitter, and H2H Facebook. Sit tight, it’s worth the wait.
Word. Ryan is the balls. Thanks to you too, co-Contuzzi cohort, for having the connectionz.
– Tyler
Sir, it is your commercials that motivate me to get off my ass and do something.
I hope that this, once again, proves that Contuzzi Folks are the Best Folks.
Eat it, Todd!
This is so great. He's awesome for lending such a helpful hand to H2H. This is going to be epic. Have I said that lately? 😉
You would think that folks getting this excited about a trip to the "sin bin" would be in the pro-tuzzi camp, no?
PTFL-Rob
(pro-tuzzi for life)
@Jennemy — he's a hell of a dude, and it doesn't surprise me in the least that he's helping.
@Disch — if the Protuzzi Camp wants to meet Todd, the penalty box is a great place to start looking. Chances are REAL strong he'll show up there before too long.
Future Post: Places you're likely to run into Man-tuzz…
1. Out in the parking lot where he's waiting to ambush old ladies and shake them down for their purses
2. Hooking up with your sister
3. On the playground teaching 4th graders new cuss words
4. Standing in the unemployment line?
5. At the pet store, looking for cute young animals to eat. And children to watch him do it.
6. At Arbys, demanding an advance on the curly fries he's SURE he'll earn eventually
7. Selling mortgage backed securities to senior citizens
8. Following high school girls through the parking lot at 12 Oaks Mall driving a van in a low gear
9. Wal-Mart greeter who pushes shopping carts on people aggressively
10. The Bertuzzi Chiropractic Clinic
11. At the offices of The Children's Fund demanding they hand over the orphan he's been paying $11 a month for, claiming he "has plans for that little shit".
Such beautiful sentiment that borne this thread, reduced to this absolutely hilarious conversation. I just laughed VERY loudly at both #6 and #11.
12. Volunteering at Guantanamo because "that waterboarding shit sounds fun as hell!"
13. Standing at the unemployment office, ready to kick Detroiters in the balls before showing them the $1.5 million he gets to NOT score goals or complete passes.
14. Watching the Dark Knight and reeeeeeallly pulling for that handsome guy in the purple suit.
15. Writing a blog where he get's you all back! (but no worries…he doesn't know how to use the enter key..he just keeps hitting the computer!)
16. Hell. (weak, right?)
Thanks for the help, Mike. Warn Ryan that I may hug him.
17. At a monster truck rally, screaming horrible obscenities–even though SUNDAYSUNDAYSUNDAY is kids' day, mind you–at any truck that dares to mess with Graaaaaavediggerrrrrr's mettle.
18. Signing up to be the very first human taste-tester at an Alpo factory. (Yuuuuum!)
19. At every gas station ever, when you're in line just to prepay for pump #4…yeah, he's the asshole taking an hour while attempting to procure the most random and obscure variety of chewing tobacco ever. Speaking of which…
20. …he's also the guy who leaves the ambiguous soda bottles lying about…the ones that may be filled with cola, or they may be filled with…something else. Don't taste-test it, folks.
21. The guy who attempts to woo you by elaborate means, such as taping a rain-soaked love letter to your car window…and then taking a crowbar to your back window so he can sneak in and lie down on the backseat to be there when you read it. What a romantic.
WOW, you guys are precious, and I don't want to interrupt, please continue.
I just wanted to thank Ryan. He has been a pleasure to work with and I hope he swings by the party so I can thank him in person. You rule Ryan.
Alright, Mom joining in the fun. It's Pile on Bertuzzi Day 'round TPL (how is today different, you ask? IT ISN'T)
Herm, with that ONE WORD, it sounds like you and I are going to be good friends. HA!
Natalie, I can legitimately foresee an newspaper article about #21 happening. Not just with some crazy dude, I mean Todd Bertuzzi.
JENNY — GET YOUR BERTUZZI BLAST IN!
22. hiding in the bushes
23. replacing Wilford Brimley, yelling at you about dia-beat-us.
24. selling subscriptions to Vogue
25. In jail for hiring Jeff Gillooly to whack Peter Forsberg on the knee during tryouts for Battle of the Blades
A Clarification from Pro-Tuzzi'ville: I would like to formally state that I love Bertuzzi and that this is purely an academic exercise for me. Unfortunately for those of us who appreciate Man-Floozie's contributions, it's impossible to not pile on.
Editor's note, the current leader is: #19. Almost cliche, but things have a habit of working out like that.
While we're at it, a few more places we might find everyone's favorite power forward…
#26 hunching way over the armrest on an American Airlines flight
#27 stealing money from the Salvation Army and investing it in a Ponzi scheme
#28 making an illegal left-hand turn without signaling
#29 punching out Snookie from Jersey Shore
#30 Singing in my new band
#31 Waiting to kick Gary's ass
#32 Getting lessons in toughness from DMac
#33 Fox Newsroom (only Natalie will get this one methinks)
I'm also in the Protuzzi camp, this is just too fun.
34. In a board room, convincing evil white businessmen to bulldoze the rec center unless those plucky kids can get over their differences and win that big dance competition.
35. In front of the TV, laughing at those heartbreaking ASPCA commercials.
36. Behind you in a theater, kicking your seat, talking on his cell phone, and yelling at the screen.
37. In front of you in the line at Starbucks using an hour to find the money in all small change
38. In front of you in line at the supermarket with a huge load of stuff 1 minute before the beer sale closes (if it ever does in the US)
39. Writing new Bernstein advantage commercials
40. At home watching Happy Pony
@Andy – I've been waiting for months to drop a Bernstein Advantage line. You beat me to it, damnit. …and yes…beer sales do close here in the US. Conveniently, every state has its own rules on this.
@JJ – #34 just overtook #19 (not you Stevie, the Bertuzzi jab). Still at the office where all we do is further the interests of The Man…and wondering if this scenario is playing out in the conference room next to me. If so, I'm going to have Bertuzzi sign my rack.
41. Signing Rob's rack
42. Making static noise on the line across the Atlantic when I am on TOV
43. Picking out the Versus programming
44. Negotiating on the Direct TV side in the Versus/Direct TV conflict.
44. A part of the group planning to make Maple Leafs Garden into a mall or whatever it is.
45. Keeping the Coyotes in Phoenix (literally, he sits on them)
I'm late to the party, but here's a quick contribution to the Con-tuzzi bashing:
#46 Parked at the last free pump at the gas station, standing cluelessly in front of it because he never learned to pump his own gas (must've learned to drive in Jersey).
#47 At the gym, on the exercise bike next to you, sweating profusely, grunting and shouting along to Beyonce on his iPod. Wouldn't even have the courtesy to wipe it off when he was done.
Wow. This has to be the single greatest day in the history of TPL. (Yes, I'm Contuzzi, does it show at all?)
48. Driving 10 miles an hour under the speed limit directly in front of you, then running the red light. But hey, at least he made it!
49. Sending all those emails about getting millions of dollars out of Nigeria, if only you will provide a bank account to send it to.
50. Giving PR advice to Richard Heene (aka Balloon Boy dad).
Jenn, I was trying so hard to work Balloon Boy into one. I'm glad you did.
51. (Keeping the Jersey drivers theme going) Driving 45 mph in the left lane. while towing a boat. In February. West.
Well, I do live in Colorado, and I even know someone who lives next to Balloon Boy's family, so I kind of had to…
52. Taking 50 cans of baked beans into the express checkout line at the grocery store, claiming they should count as one item since they are all the same thing.
53. Snagging goodies from the non-perishable food drive at the office.
54. Personal assistant to the very newly employed Sarah Palin (I'm winking at you super obviously, Andy).
55. Staying awake by candlelight to plot a Tonya Harding-style takeout of his foes (commence nail-biting, Michael Petrella).
56. Mailing mysterious packages of white powder to congressional offices of those elected officials who refuse to legalize cockfighting.
57. Getting a White Power Bert tattoo at the local parlor (I'm winking at all Arrested Development fans now).
58. Flapping his privates at underage cuties and urging them to "Relax, JUST do it."
59. Still trying to get a clear answer from the University of Phoenix Office of the Registrar as to whether they'll issue him an official B.A. degree in "Assorted Sorcery". (Sticklers.)
60. Writing fan letters to the Wallflowers and begging Jakob Dylan to stop running away from his musical genetics and just man up and let the band reunite. I think we can all admit how much we miss "Three Marlenas".
61. Anxiously wondering if he should, in fact, PANIC! at the disco.
62. Running for local magistrate in the hopes that, upon an electoral victory, he can use his newfound power to prevent those nosy health department officials from commencing their court-ordered excavation of his backyard.
P.S. Rob Discher, you are my new hero for your awesome Snookie reference.
10 points extra for the University of Phoenix reference.
Is it time to take this in a cinematic direction?
63. Causing the jetwash that took out Maverick and Goose
64. Convincing Anakin Skywalker that there was more to life than his muted Jedi existence
65. Ruining the end of Usual Suspects for people who hadn't seen it yet
66. And The Crying Game
67. And The Sixth Sense
Man, I leave for a few hours to come back and find pure gold.
68. In front of you at the DMV, trying to replace his license without ANY form of identification.
69. Replacing Conan O'Brien
70. Selling a warranty to you that costs more than the product you're buying
71. Stabbing a hole in Wilson in Castaway.
72. Being the first person ever to realize 100% of the meaning behind Donnie Darko, only to forget it almost immediately after getting distracted by a shiny piece of tin foil
73. One of the mobsters who whacked Tommy…yeah, Tommy kinda had it coming to him, and Goodfellas wouldn't have been the same without De Niro's payphone destruction scene, but…yeah, he whacked Tommy.
74. The owner of the junkyard dog in The Sandlot. (I actually think this one is realistic.)
75. Setting fire to the notebook in The Notebook.
76. Being Mothman. (I actually think this is realistic, too. Also, WV represent.)
77. Revealing to all the characters that everyone's not who they say they are, 20 minutes into The Departed, thereby ruining a freakin' great movie.
78. Putting Baby in a corner and not giving a damn what Patrick Swayze has to say about it.
Putting Baby in a corner… hahahaha!
79. As a pharmacist, mixing putting dangerous drug combinations in your pill bottles
80. At a stoplight, pulling around three cars to be first right in front of you in the right lane, then getting passed by all three of those cars when the light turns green.
81. In Haiti, holding up a boombox blasting 'Shake, Rattle N' Roll'.
82. Advising Giovanni Ribisi to allow him to carry out an airstrike against a location that has deep religious and historical significance to a race of nine-foot tall blue cat-monkeys.
83. Covering up the evidence that he's the guy who screwed a monkey and started the whole HIV thing.
84. Having a beer and talking disciplining your kids with the dad from 'Radio Flyer'.
85. Selling ad time on NHL Network
86. Stealing credit card offices out of mailboxes, opening fake accounts and running up gambling debts
87. Spinning the Wheel of Justice in Colin Campbell's office
88. Pondering whether Chianti really is the best wine with fava beans and liver
Um, sorry make that "credit card offers."
And can I just say, I love that this whole thing was started by the forces of Protuzzi. Somehow that makes it even better
I just died after reading #81. Holy hell.
89. Revealing what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation.
90. Swapping out the tape for the audio mix in Garden State, so that when Natalie Portman tells Zach Braff she has something he needs to hear to change his life, we audience members actually hear "Disco Duck" playing.
91. Your annoying cubicle-mate who forces you to look at slideshows of their kids/grandkids/complete strangers' kids on the internet.
92. That person you know who always wants you to "Take a lot at this and tell me if you think I need to see a doctor."
93. The only heterosexual guy over the age of 12 at a Miley Cyrus concert. Um…
94. The guy who likes to cruise his pickup through town at about 15 miles per hour so you can see the 10-point buck he got last weekend. In July.
95. Counting down the days until his all-Autotune album drops.
96. Spending hundreds of dollars on tip jars. And leaving his tabs unopened. (Saw this happen once, in real life. Hilarious.)
I stopped at #96 on purpose.
97. Caretaking the Overlook
98. At the sewers of Derry, Maine
99. Argentina
100. Watching Michael Petrella sleep and knowing that, deep down, he will one day join the Protuzzi alliance. And if he doesn't, then all bets are off.
The all-video game edition:
101. teaching kids at the arcade how to pronounce what Q-Bert says when a snake jumps on him.
102. Using Oddjob on Goldeneye 64 and setting proximity mines by the spawn points.
103. Quitting a game of NHL10 when losing after the first period.
104. Sending out hundreds of Farmville notifications every day on Facebook.
105. Turning off your TV screen right as you're getting ready to drop a straight piece into its spot in Tetris.
106. On 129 West 81st Street, Apartment 5E, New York City
@Todd — come get me, Todd. The footrace offer is still on the table. If I beat you in an end-to-end, you go away forever. If you beat me, you can have my brain with Chianti (as mentioned above)
@Herm — I bet very few people get that reference. WELL DONE!
NEWMAN!
107. Delighting in sacrificing Yoshi in the most horrific of ways and considering writing his own Super Mario program in which he gets to implement machine guns, machetes, iron maidens, and so forth. (To be added to JJ's video games edition. Also, #104 is dead freakin' on.)
108. Outbidding all of us on the #H2H sin bin raffle and then laughing in our faces as we watch him tear up the tickets.
109. Spending his off-days tinkering around on his 1981 Trans Am–custom rims, irridescent upholstery, Firehawk decal on the hood, the whole shebang–and boy, oh, boy, is he ready for the day when he can take his girlfriend to her junior prom in this baby.
110. Emailing Pat Quinn to inquire about a job opening in the goaltending department.
111. Organizing a march on Washington to protest the demand by call centers to Press 1 for English.
112. Admitting he sexted with Tiger Woods. It was average.
113. Being the only person truly surprised by Mark McGwire's admittance of steroid use. (So innocent in the ways of the world.)
114. Collaborating with Simeon Varlamov to get their "No Fat Chicks" jersey company off the ground.
115. Finding proof against global warming.
116. Jim Balsillie's diplomacy advisor
117. Torturing Tuco at the prison camp
118. In the middle of the Cambodian jungle on an island in the river, gone mad as hell.
119. At the Nakatomi towers, with some friends.
120. Shot JR
121. Was seen on the grassy knoll…back & to the left; BACK & TO THE LEFT.
122. In goal for the Canes
123. Steeling Peter's celebrity actress girlfriend Sarah.
124. Waking up with a horsehead in his bed
125. Going crazy and trying to kill Clouseau
126. Behind the counter in a porn store
127. In the Temple of Doom, attempting to rip your heart out of your chest
127. In the shadows at the Olympics with a lead pipe, waiting to pull a Nancy Caragin (Sp?)!
128. Colonel Bertuzzi, in the Study, with the Candlestick
129. Causing natural disasters in 3rd world countries.
130. Reenacting the "dance" scene from silence of the lambs, and tucking it in very well!
131. Driving a cab around NY waiting for Patrick Kane to start a fight over some change
132. In Bruce MacLeod's list of three stars over Jimmy "37 Saves" Howard, for some reason.
133. Trying to convince Datsuyk to room with him instead of Zetterberg
134. Hiding under your bed, waiting for you to fall asleep.
135. Trying to cure his fever with more cow bell.
136. Watching Walker Texas Ranger for bad-ass tips from Chuck.
137. Getting more silly arm tattoos.
138. waiting to eat your first born child.
I'm having too much fun with this!!
TPL Mom, with the Dallas/JR reference! Fantastic.
139. Starting a petition to bring back Falcon Crest.
140. Practicing his aim toward the "broad side of the barn" so he can prove wrong that curious idiom he hears so often. (What does it MEAN?!)
141. At the top of the Siberian mountain, ready to break Rocky Balboa with a hammer and sickle.
142. On a related note, imbibing with shots at the bar with Frank Stallone.
143. With his face on a milk carton, not because he's missing, per se, but because he mistook the face-on-the-milk-carton for EHarmony.com while looking to meet young, eligible ladies.
144. Volunteer partner for all the single ladies at lamaze classes because he has an unnatural fascination with the miracle of birth.
145. Finishing his term as the mayor of the town that banned dancing.
146. Native Americans used to perform rain dances for their crops. Some people perform snow dances if they want to play in a winter wonderland. Bert does cloud dances…because sunshine can just plain kiss his ass.
Probably ought to make it an even 150 before closing out the night here in the Central timezone…
147. Pretending he's in the first class boarding group and then getting shut down by the ticket agent.
148. Going through the Ikea warehouse pulling instructions out of the boxes of furniture.
149. Pulling you over for an expired inspection sticker.
150. Crying softly in his bedroom because he still can't get over being beaten out by Prince for the lead role in Purple Rain.
151. Climbing over a rope to greet his GF and thus making Newark shut down for 6 hours
152. Making a list of all the people he would have to kill to be Governor
153. Ford Field, where nothing good ever happens
154. Praying that 2012 is real and comes quickly before anyone notices he needs to take a few skating lessons.
155. Spinning during the game practicing to make the movie Cutting Edge his personal reality.
156. At home crying watching the sad stories on American Idol.
157. Getting pissed at his spotty 3G network map
158. Executive producer of the O'Reilly factor.
159. Don Imus's writer
160. In an auto shop billing you 1000 dollars for a quick fix of the wheels.
161. Behind you in the airplane with a screaming baby and a two year old that won't stop talking.
162. He's your dealer's dealer
163. In the back alley you decided to take as a shortcut on your way home from the bar.
Special douchebag edition:
164. The guy at the bar who buys you a drink and persistently tries to grope you, so you're forced to tell him that you're actually a lesbian, and your female friend to your left is actually your girlfriend, and instead of feeling deterred, as you'd hoped, he responds, "Prove it."
165. The guy who drives a Jeep Wrangler, sans plastic windows, even in January, because he has the soul of a surfer dude. And he wants you to see how up for anything he is.
166. The guy who keeps magnum XXXXL rubbers in his wallet, in his car, etc., in plain view because he WANTS you to know.
167. The guy who's so much of a douche that he takes the "guy law" of waiting three days to call a girl to a whole new level. Not only will he flat out refuse to be the first to call you, but he'll also straight up hang up on you each time you call him. And then change his number. And then go out with your best friend. Why? Because he's Todd F****** Bertuzzi.
168. Running a major airline
169. Cutting you off when you're on your way out on the highway
170. In the mountains leaving giant footsteps
171. Telling his girlfriend she looks slutty in her slightly skimpy clothing that she's wearing out, but later admonishing her for gaining weight and/or not looking sexy enough. Because how do you keep a lady, in his book? Easy as pie: You never let her win.
172. Assuming that because a girl from high school added him as a friend on Facebook, that she totally wants him. Even though her relationship status is clearly "taken". And she her profile pic is of her and her boyfriend. And she doesn't respond to his wall posts asking her to call him if "she ever just wants someone to talk to." She's just playing hard-to-get, right?
173. Killing Bambi's mom
174. On the cover of Grand Theft Auto IV apparently
175. Throwing rocks at Forrest Gump
176. Charging you for water refills
177. About every villain in "Taken"
178. Fighting in the war room (I wonder if anyone gets these 70s movie references)
I'm on board, Andy… I was a film major, so they're right up my alley.
good good…
179. So sad that there's a prominent Team Edward and a Team Jacob, but he's the sole member of Team Todd. :'(
180. Working 9 to 5…what a way to make a liv…oh, crap. That goes on the other list.
181. He's a vampire. But he sparkles!
182. Sidling up to you at the bar, sliding a C-note your way, and inquiring, "How many drinks will it take until I start to look like one of the Jonas Brothers?"
183. Making it personal when you call him trying to tell him your country is about to be accidentally nuked by yours.
184. Bringing guns into the locker room after a team plane-turned-casino disagreement turns bad.
185. After striking geese, attempting to land the plane heroically in the river (HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SULLY!), but missing the river by six miles, landing on Staten Island.
186. Inventing shows like Jersey Shore
187. Creating a feud between Leno and Conan
188. Giving tips to the Lions on being awesome
189. Trying to find a way to be the next Oprah and take over the lives of house wives everywhere.
190. Making Crocs a fashion statement.
191. Tearfully admit that he used steroids ten years after he became irrelevant.
(Come to think of it… we're just about due for this one, for real)
192. Tearfully denying allegations of wrongdoing by himself and his coaching staff. (I'm glaring at you, Bitch Rod.)
193. Cutting the sleeves off all his tees.
194. Sidling up to you at a bar with his cell phone in hand, saying, "You know, I have a calendar in this phone with a different girl for a different day. Why don't you take this into the bathroom…"
195. Urinating on sexual partners in videos. Wait, I forgot to say UNDERAGE partners.
196. Picking you up at the bar by walking up to you and saying, "Smell my cologne. Does it smell sexy?"
197. Standing at the front gate of Wally World wondering why Marty Moose is still standing after punching him in the face.
198. Talking in his phone so he doesn't notice the traffic line changing and then, because he's one handed from talking in his phone, uses an hour to get up to speed since he can't shift gears.
199. Trying to steal a worthless outback house from its owner's poor widow because he knows it's gonna be worth a lot once the railroad passes through.
200. In line at Starbucks asking them to hurry it up because his Porsche Cabriolet is illegally parked out front.
201. Scoring a goal in Dallas apparently
202. Going through the Ludovico Technique
203. In jail for beating a prostitute
204. Giving himself the family discount (another Arrested Development reference)
telling you weasels to suck eggs,
sincerely yours,
Todd
stepping out through your computer screen and saying:Say that to my face,punk ass bitch
I love that these two posts are now permanent features on your sidebar.
207. Suffocating Mike Leggo with a pillow until he says "Leggo my Leggo!" which just makes Todd giggle like a little schoolchild.
208. Writing Gary Bettman a strongly worded letter after yesterday, in blood, and by "strongly worded" I mean it's more of an interpretive drawing of his time poaching big game on the African savannas.
209. Working that Elvis Stojko-esque spin-o-rama move…in Michael Petrella's dreams, every single night, for the rest of eternity.
210. Standing in the corner on the subway, then looking through all the garbage cans for empty soda bottles. When he doesn't find any he goes on to ask everyone on the subway for change.
211. Having a god damn seminar so the student cafe has to be closed.
212. Asking all students to buy at least 8 books for the subject he's lecturing.
213. Asking you for a specific amount of money on the streets, and when you hand him all you have in your pockets, and it's less than what he asked for, making sure to point out the shortage in an attempt to make you feel guilty. (Credit to Andy for making me think of a bum-related one.)
214. Hitting on his female employees. Because he can.
215. Telling his home country to go f*#$ itself after receiving an Olympic snub.
216. Calling Chris Osgood at all hours of the day and night, pretending to be Jimmy Howard, asking for goaltending advice.
217. If you've never been, go to PeopleofWalmart.com, page 17, first picture. Bert's at Walmart, lookin' for some bait for his next hat.