Awesome.

At their request, here is some loss candy. Thank @Latestfailure and @bbryon:

THE RUNDOWN
Ugly. The team is in trouble without Jimmy Howard. Not that this game is on Joey MacDonald’s head — he played quite well. But if we’ve seen anything this season, it’s that Howard finds a way to win, and the others don’t. Conklin and MacDonald are a combined 3-7. Howard, on the other hand, is 32-12. That’s a winning percentage of 73 — compared to 30%.

BULLETS OF IMPORTANCE

• Surprise! The power play shits the bed again — getting an abbreviated (38 second) man advantage in the first period. Not only were they going ass-over-elbows over one another on the blueline, they give up a shorthanded goal. So… 1-for-41 coming into tonight’s game (in the last 15 road games) somehow gets worse. Eight minutes into the game, it’s 1-0 Coyotes, who were 19-4-5 when scoring first.
• COACH PETRELLA TIME! For those of you who aren’t familiar with the X’s and O’s part of our beautiful game, there’s a phenomenon referred to as “50/50 pucks.” What it means, essentially, is a puck that isn’t possessed by any team, with both teams having an equal opportunity to gain possession. Perhaps it’s a missed pass that floats into an unoccupied corner, or a strategic re-direct by a goaltender into a deserted swatch of ice. Nevertheless, with the competitive equality between teams’ talent levels, games can be won and lost by deciding who gets more of the 50/50 pucks. In the first few minutes, the Wings had awesome puck control and kept possession very nicely. However, after the five or six minute mark, the Coyotes owned the 50/50 pucks. At the heart of it, it’s a matter of appetite for it. You have to want those pucks and take them, not just hope they find their way to you. THAT’S the difference going into an intermission down one.
• Rather eventful first half of the second period: Ian White took his second penalty of the game, and was joined shortly after by Pavel Datsyuk. White’s penalty would expire, but the Wings wouldn’t be so lucky on the second. Ray Whitney found a little bit of real estate and fired a puck into traffic (it looked like it hit Martin Hanzal on the way in) and banked one in for a 2-0 lead. During the kill, Niklas Kronwall blocked a shot with his right hand or wrist and would go off to get some attention. Kronwall would return, however.
• Johan Franzen would finally break through — both in the “score a goal” way and in the “stop sucking so badly on the power play” way. The Mule is the first Wing to 20 goals this year, and the Coyote lead was cut in half. The Wings PP “improved” to 2-for-44 (4.5%) in the last 16 road games. The score would remain 2-1 Coyotes heading into the locker room a second time.
• The third period provided more of the same — Phoenix playing better hockey than Detroit, and eventually sealing it with an empty netter.

BULLETS OF LESS IMPORTANCE

• Congratulations to Dan “Bear” “Buckets” “Loins” Cleary, who played his 800th career NHL game against a former team.

DISCH APPROVED “HORSECOP” OF THE GAME
Joey MacDonald played very well in what is considered his audition for the backup role. Ty Conklin fluttered that chance away, and Mac is going to do what he can to convince the Wings NOT to make a deal at the end of the month, and instead keep him. It was a good first step.

THE RIGGY “SHITBOX” OF THE GAME
No question here: Ian White — two penalties, a collision leading to the first goal, a stumble leading to the second goal. It was an ugly night for the usually-steady White, and I’m sure he’ll bounce back. But he earned this tonight. Honorable mention to the goal scorer, Johan Franzen, for handing the empty net goal to the Coyotes on a silver platter when the Wings were trying to gear something up to tie it.

WHAT’S NEXT
The Wings are back on Wednesday night against the Oilers. They’ll look to continue their torrid win streak at the Joe, where they haven’t lost a game since November 3rd. It’ll be the first game of a six-game home stand. Vin Diesel Week continues. Let’s all hope that Sam Gagner Week does not.

LOSS CANDY
Say hello to former Miss USA and current Red Wings fan Rima Fakih (literally, say hello: @officialrima):

Her Mr. Universe counterpart, Tarik Kaljanac:

FINAL SCORE (Hi Dad!)
A lot to a little, Montreal.

THE RUNDOWN
Skipping the whole thing. No one cares.

WHAT’S NEXT
We’ve got Calgary on the other side of the All-Star Break. Puck drops at 9pm next Tuesday and you’re stuck with me again.

LOSS CANDY
A pair of athletes who were likely working harder than the Red Wings tonight:

Final Score (Hi Dad!)
5-1 Islanders. No, seriously.

The Rundown
This is a game that was over before it started. Anytime you saunter into Long Island to face the powerhouse Islanders, you just gotta expect an ass-kicking. What’s that? Oh, you say they’re the worst team in the L’Eastern Conference? Well shit, I got nothing. Well, the joke’s on them. The Wings may have lost, but the Islanders have to stay in and around Massapequa. Toss up.

The Islanders took advantage of their opportunities and the Wings failed on theirs. In case you missed the Filppula whiff, I caught some video of it:

Loss Candy
Continuing the theme:

FINAL SCORE (Hi Mr. P!)
4-2 Whales

THE RUNDOWN
We all give Mike Babcock alot of grief around here for using the same tired quotes when the Wings take one solidly on the chin. So then it’s extra fitting that when watching the first period of the shitshow in Vancouver, the first thing that pops into my head is an animated .gif of Mike Babcock saying “We didn’t get started on time.” Fuck me. Babbles has won. He’s got control of my mind and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Well, the proof was certainly in the pudding tonight as the Wings surrendered two goals in quick fashion, answered back, and then gift wrapped another two goal lead with a fierce and lethal combination of lazy play, poor positioning and a general lack of anything resembling interest in competing. Sure, the shots will tell a different story, but the moral remains the same: dig a hole against a good team and good luck getting out of it.

The most frustrating part about tonight isn’t the fact that the Wings failed to show up and play in the first period. This isn’t the first time they’ve been disinterested in playing hockey and it certainly won’t be the last. No, in a game that Mickey Redmond would have called a “throwaway” if he wasn’t at home asleep in his bed, the part that keeps me from just wastebasketing the Wings effort is Jimmy Howard. Not his play between the pipes, mind you. No, it’s the fact that he’s the toughest enforcer the Wings have on their squad, which is one hell of a travesty. Nobody else steps up after the whistle for a little extra fun. Nobody else cares enough to facewash a guy and then sock him in his jaw. No, the only guy willing to do that is Howard and it’s a total fucking embarrassment. What’s worse, nobody even sticks up for HIM. When Hansen laid his hands on Howard after the fourth goal, someone – ANYONE – should have been right there putting five fingers in Hansen’s face. Instead, Howard gets mobbed by three guys before Lidstrom can come over and ask everyone to politely step away from James and return to the match.I get it. Lidstrom’s not an enforcer. But who is? Who’s the guy the Wings have that will goon it up after a play and make sure that it’s understood that liberties won’t be taken? Who’s the guy that horsecollars Livonia Native Ryan Kesler after he spends half of the third period treating Valtteri Filppula like his red-headed stepchild?

THAT’S what’s disturbing about the game tonight. A loss to a good team with a hot goaltender is nothing to be ashamed about. What is shameful is when a team fails to use it as an opportunity to send a message for the next time around. You can bet the Canucks will continue to agitate the Wings in their last two matchups of the season. The real question is who’s going to stop them?

HORSECOP OF THE GAME
Jimmy Howard. For having a pair. Drew Miller gets honorable mention for scoring yet again.

RIGGY SHITBOX OF THE GAME
Justin Abdelkader. What happened to that tough guy image he was working on? Look kid, if you’re not going to score or contribute on the scoresheet, get out there and stand up for your teammates by knocking someone’s head in.

LOSS CANDY (Toughness Edition)

Gina Carano is an MMA fighter. And a former American Gladiator (AWESOME). Let’s get her some skates.

GSP. Duh.

THE RUNDOWN
Son of a bitch. Strong game from the Wings, poor third period, wheels popped off, and we’re left feeling like “we’re holding our ankles, biting a pencil” to borrow a Disch phrase.

BULLETS OF IMPORTANCE

• Tomas Holmstrom started the scoring off, netting his sixth of the season. All six of those goals have been on the power play, tying him for fifth in the League in PPGs. Suck it, Claude Giroux.
• Nashville tied the game about halfway through the first with a sick two-on-one play that Jimmy Howard NEARLY stifled. The first save was a thing of beauty, but the rebound bounced right to the perfect spot and Legwand was able to bury the second chance.
• Zetterberg and Lidstrom gave the Wings a nice 3-1 cushion, but a Nashville flurry at the end of the second period nearly tied it up. They made good on one, failed to make good on two… and then the third period happened. Two unanswered goals and it was chicken dinner. Except it’s Tennessee so it was probably some sort of fricassee.

BULLETS OF LESS IMPORTANCE

• Who else enjoyed the hell out of Pavel Datsyuk cleanly rocking Shea Weber, who is approximately nine inches and 193 pounds larger than Dats? It was an especially physical first period and I can’t imagine a single person disliking it.
• OFFSIDES?! BOOOOOOO! What’s offsides? /annoying whistle sound/. Sometimes I get sad when I think that other teams’ fans could be so mentally challenged. But then I remember they’re south of the Masy Dixy and that they probably can’t work the computer box anyway, so they’ll never know I said that. It’s like the Amish. It’s easy to make fun of them because how are they going to know? One big difference, though: at least the Amish can build a barn without violating the sheep that will soon occupy it.

LOSS CANDY
For those who like the womenz, may I present Gia Allemand who was on some show called Bachelor Pad, Google tells me:

For those who like the fellas, I DARE YOU to tell me that Gia’s castmate William Holman isn’t a DEAD RINGER for our very own Rob Discher if Rob Discher stopped going to the gym. I DARE YOU:

The Skinny
I’m not going to bother putting more effort into this than the Red Wings did with the game. Onto the bullets.

Bullets of Importance

• Brendan Smith: not NHL ready. He will be, but he’s not yet. The loss was by no means his fault, and he’s actually better than Jonathan Ericsson RIGHT NOW, but he’s still got some seasoning before he can hack it in the league. -2 on the night is a tough debut, but he’ll get better at knowing his position and not completely flubbing a keep-in at the blueline in the third period. Hopefully.
• That short-handed goal is an atrocity of nature. There’s no reason whatsoever any of that play should happen. Horrible.
• The Thornton goal is 100% on the head of Henrik Zetterberg. He looked like one of the kids I coach — not thrilled about shooting the puck and trying for the perfect shot instead of just getting rid of it and unloading toward the net. The Sharks are too damn good to let a 3-on-1 go the other way because you’re trying to look pretty.
• Vlasic’s goal is 100% on Jonathan Ericsson — he went into the corner for an unnecessary follow-up check to Darren Helm’s relatively effective check, then skated his ass around the slot for some reason. Both he and Smith were on the same side of the ice when Vlasic came around the net — and only one of them was in the right place (hint: it was Smith).
• Ty Conklin. Dude. Coming in as relief in the third is not the easiest way to get playing time, but he did very little to instill any confidence — the goal against is one thing, but did you see the one that went over his shoulder somehow that almost trickled in? What is that about? That has no business popping off of your person and finding its way over your shoulder. Unfortunate bounces aren’t coincidence when they happen CONSTANTLY

The Disch Approved “Horsecop” of the Game
Whatever.

The Riggy “Shitbox” of the Game
Ericsson sucks. Fact. But tonight’s goat is Zetterberg. It was one of those games where you needed your top guns to do ANYTHING besides contribute to the Shark’s offense.

What’s Next?
LA on Saturday, and you’ve got me again.

Loss Candy
“Celebrity” Apprentice “Star” Hope Dworczyk

Celebrity Apprentice Star Mark McGrath

The Skinny
I didn’t see a second of this game (I was busy coaching in a loss of my own), but I did just see that they lost and that you’re owed something hot to look at. Did I miss anything good or what? Fill me in.

Loss Candy

Ms. Kelly Carlson…

And her Nip/Tuck co-star Julian McMahon, who I’m told is saucy.

The Skinny

I think this about sums it up…

I’m not going to waste words here. This team is in a rut. The offense isn’t working. Babcock has tried everything but randomly drawing fans out of the seats to come play, and the Wings still can’t find their offense. They look disorganized and tentative and completely lost out there. It’s time to get back to basics and just start putting pucks on nets and putting passes on sticks. The only thing we can do as fans is ride this out and hope the Wings bust free sooner rather than later. Well, that and criticize, but there’s enough of that going around already so I will just end this here.

The Disch Approved “Horsecop” of the Game
Jiri Hudler maybe? I suppose Dan Cleary could make a case since he drew the short straw and scored the Wings only goal tonight.

The Riggy “Shitbox” of the Game
GRAB BAG! SPIN THE WHEEL AND SEE WHO IT LANDS ON! BONUS POINTS IF IT’S TODD BERTUZZI!

What’s Next?
A healthy dose of shots. A self-inflicted swirly. And two days of anguish before Anaheim on Saturday night. Odds are on Disch going “Gonzo” on you for the pregame.

Loss Candy

Since Petrella is living it up in Mexico, here’s some chick named Jillian on a beach. Hope you’re enjoying vacation dude. Look what you’ve done.

And here’s a guy in water. Yay.

Final (Hi Mr. P!)
Wild 2, Red Wings 1 (OT)

The Skinny
This play has three acts: The Hot Start, The Slow to a Crawl and the Inevitable Collapse. Only the first part was any good, and even then, it faded toward the first intermission. The second act was an uninspired performance designed to set the stage for the third and do nothing more, which it successfully did. The third act reawakened our imaginations and showed us the ending we craved, only to have fate cruelly twist it away at the last minute. This is the Detroit Red Wings. This is the flawed main character. This is what we are stuck dealing with and these are the results that are bound to happen when an offense can’t get it clicking. Will this play be a Broadway hit or a goddam Greek tragedy? Only time will tell.

(Fully aware I’m not making any sense. It’s late, I’m tired and I just spent a couple of hours banging out a real post for tomorrow. Deal with it.)

Bullets of Importance

• Wings lose again.
• This sucks.
• Gustav Nyquist looked like a rookie (SURPRISE!)

Bullets of Less Importance

• Just because they had matching black eyes, doesn’t mean Bertuzzi and Holmstrom had to match each other’s penalties.

The Disch Approved “Horsecop” of the Game
Jimmah. Balled out all night long only to yet again be hung out to dry by a lack of offense.

The Riggy “Shitbox” of the Game
Todd Bertuzzi. Dumb penalties and uninspiring play. Petrella is channeling me from Mexico.

What’s Next?
Thursday against Calgary. I’ll be leading the way.

Loss Candy (Because this is all you really care about)

Peyton List makes Roger Sterling very happy on Mad Men. She wants to make you happy too.

Five losses? How about five dudes for the ladies.

Check back in the morning. I have a rather “inspiring” piece for your reading pleasure.