The Final (Hi Dad!)
4-1 Blue Jackets.
So this could have gone one of two ways: 1) a repeat of 96 hours ago, where the Red Wings had their way with their half-retarded neighbors to the south, firmly entrenched in the living hell that is Ohio. Or 2) the Blue Jackets finally found a set of testicles, played like they were interested in winning something this season, and combining that new-found feeling of self-worth with the shitstorm that is Ty Conklin.
Spoiler alert: it was the latter.
The story is going to be — and rightfully so — Ty’s goaltending. For the second game in a row, he had no idea where the puck was and where the rebound was heading. Although, around period #4 of this version of Conklin, even he had to know that most of those rebounds were heading toward twine. I hate to pick on the man, especially when he saved the Wings’ bacon a few seasons ago, and started this season with a shutout. But the last six periods have seen his GAA jump from 0.00 to 3.37. Like Brett Lebda’s -3 game in a game his team won 9-3 a year ago, that kind of individual statistical anomaly takes sincere effort and suckitude.
Bullets of Importance
- 21 seconds. That’s all it took for the Columbus Blue Jackets to remember what they saw in the game film from the Wings’ Saturday game against Washington: Ty Conklin couldn’t catch a cold on a trans-Atlantic flight full of sniffly Frenchmen. That RJ Umburger goal was followed by Ryan Johansen’s first NHL goal… which was followed by John Moore’s first NHL goal. If I learned anything through the first 30 minutes of this one, it was that tonight should have been my NHL debut. May have had a chance to net one.
- Darren Helm would (briefly) even the score when he hustled (as he is wont to do) and converted a broken, behind-the-net jambalaya of a hockey play into a grinder’s goal. Steve Mason was hurt at some point during the play (which, if you were paying close attention, actually featured the Helm line coming onto the ice twice before a whistle blew), and would go off for repairs. In came Allen York, making his NHL debut, but unlike all of his little friends, he DID NOT score on Ty Conklin in the 2:33 of relief he played before Mason was able to return.
- Fairly poor game all around tonight. The Wings couldn’t convert on their power play opportunities (again) — including a 6-on-4 late in the game where they allowed a goal. Their penalty kill allowed a goal (again) — bad news that becomes worse when you hear that the Wings took 7 penalties (the Jackets took three). They were badly out-shot in the first period (14-6). They lost 55% of the faceoffs. They had half as many blocked shots, a third as many takeaways, and 35% fewer hits than their opponents.
Bullets of Less Importance
- Wisniewski with an “A.” And why not? This was his first game for the Blue Jackets, and the only thing he’s contributed to hockey in Ohio is that about 9% of his annual salary has already been forfeited because of his massive 8-game suspension. Stay classy, Columbus!
- Linesman Brad Kovachik took a shot directly to the back during the third period. You’d think with all this “quality skater” nonsense you hear about the guys who “do a great job 99% of the time,” they’d be able to, you know, get the fuck out of the way of a shot from the point — a thing that happens approximately 700 times a night in each and every NHL game. Glad to see he was alright, but please don’t shove that bullshit down my throat anymore — they’re failed hockey people who act tough to compensate for their tiny wieners.
The Disch Approved “Horsecop” of the Game
Darren Helm converted hard work into a goal. He was also one of the only Red Wings to finish the game +1. A rare bright spot in a dark cave of a night.
The Riggy “Shitbox” of the Game
Who do you think it is? If it wasn’t for the posts, and the general incompetence of the Columbus Blue Jackets, the game would have been a 7-1 repeat of Saturday night.
Friday against San Jose. Hollis is all over the pre-game.
MTV’s teen drama Skins may have only lasted nine minutes, but something tells me they asked Sofia Black D’Elia to stick around the office a little longer than that:
Her castmate, Mitch Hewer, posing as a Red Wings fan on Tuesday night.
Conklin photo credit: Ann Heisenfelt, AP